Denial…?

I was supposed to be tested to make sure the gestational diabetes were gone 6 weeks after I gave birth. It’s been 4 months and I still haven’t gone. I’m pretty sure this is because I don’t want to know but if I’m still diabetic I need to get it under control. I did check my blood sugar level a few months ago with my home machine. It wasn’t bad but it wasn’t great either. I guess I’m writing this to hold myself accountable. I need to stay healthy- especially with the baby relying solely on me.

I did reactivate my gym membership yesterday. It’s really pricey but they have drop in childcare! Arya did great and I got 1.5 carefree hours to workout. Wow is my body tight and sore from taking care of this baby. I’m hoping to make this a habit before I go back to work but I have realistic expectations for my capacity after I start back up. And I felt great afterwards.  Also, if I just need a break I can drop Arya off and use the hot tub and sauna. The daycare woman highly recommend this.

6 more weeks..!

I go back to work in six weeks! Six months felt like a lifetime before I had Arya but the cliche is right- it goes by super fast. I’m kind of looking forward to using my brain in different ways again but it’s going to be such a huge adjustment. I was holding Arya this morning thinking about leaving her in daycare and I started tearing up.

I’m super excited I found an affordable-ish daycare two blocks from home but I do wish they were a little more hands on regarding the transition process. They are so laid back that it makes me slightly worried. But I would probably be worried no matter what so I’m trying to just enjoy this last six weeks and not create horror scenarios in my head about what could possibly happen to her in daycare.

In other news, Arya rocked our six hour cross country flight. She literally didn’t make more than a peep and slept 80% of the time. Strangers complimented us and I felt like a proud mama. People were also super great and offered help constantly. Here are a few pictures of our journey:

Family

We had a bit of an adventure after arriving in New York on Tuesday. We did miss our connection and when I went to the desk to rebook our flight it was 50 people long so I went into the first class lounge hoping they would let us in. Thank god I did because we were helped right away and they gave us a hotel, a taxi voucher to the hotel, and a food voucher even though they weren’t obligated to do it because the delay was due to weather. They were also able to rebook is for the next day. Originally, not until 7pm but she pulled some strings and got us on an earlier flight. People definitely want to help a solo mom with a baby- at least in this instance.

They attempted to pull our luggage so I could get extra formula and diapers but after waiting an hour and being told it would be several more at 12:30 AM, I decided to buy some formula the next morning instead. I was reassured by someone that our luggage would be put back in the hold for our flight but I was skeptical.

The night in the hotel was rough. They didn’t have a crib so I made a pillow barricade on the bed but I was so nervous I barely slept. Arya didn’t do much better and at 6 am I put her in the stroller and wheeled her to sleep and we both slept for three hours. Then we had to take a Lyft to Walgreens for formula and it was about 95 degrees and 100 percent humidity. I was completely soaked with sweat when we got to the airport.

When we got to the airport I asked to be let off in baggage claim in order to make sure my bag was where it was supposed to be because we would be screwed without it. I had a feeling it might not be on the flight, and I was right. I spent 45 minutes being bounced all over and then this really nice airline employee was like: ” you can’t make this woman with a baby do this!” And she helped me find my bag and got us to the flight.

The woman who sat next to us on the plane looked at Arya and proclaimed: ” she smells like cheese!” She also told me that I couldn’t ask for a better seat mate because she loves kids and taught preschool for 10 years. Then she complained about the other kids on the flight, loudly and within earshot of their parents. I spent the ( luckily short) flight pretending to sleep so she would stop talking to me and to make it clear to the other parents that we were not traveling together.

We spent the first half of the trip at my sister’s house with my parents. We mostly swam and relaxed in the pool because it was super hot. It was so nice to have help and I was able to take some naps and go out by myself- such a luxury. On one of the days we picked strawberries and raspberries at a nearby farm. Everyone got into it- even my mom. The fields smelled like jam and the berries were super sweet. And Arya was chill and slept most of the time we were there. It as such a perfect upstate New York summer day.

I also got to see some friends- including my best friend who drove up from New York to meet Arya. I really wish we lived in the same city!

It was really hard to see my sister say goodbye to Arya. For some of the car ride I even ( briefly) contemplated moving back to New York.

Buffalo was pretty relaxing. We just hung out at my parent’s house and had lots of visitors. It was super great to see family, but we had a ton of visitors. And I found myself stressing that Arya would be ” good” while people were around. Arya is a really chill baby- but she is a baby and she is getting more aware of the world and her own likes/dislikes. She definitely had some meltdowns and wasn’t always down to be held by every single person who visited. I found myself apologizing a lot which is ridiculous because no one can expect a baby to be easygoing all of the time. I think some of this stress comes from being a single mom by choice and some feelings that I have to prove myself capable of raising a baby alone.

I also noticed that my mom was much more difficult when we were staying at her house. She argued with me a lot more about parenting stuff- mainly she thought the baby was always cold even though it was like 90 degrees out. I felt myself reverting back to feeling 16.

Despite this, we had a great time. And Arya rolled over for the first time! It was actually a back to front roll and it was extra special because me and my parents all saw it. Now she seems to have also mastered the front to back. No more leaving her on my bed or the couch for ” just a minute.”

My parents were so so sad to say goodbye to Arya and it just killed me. I definitely think we will be making the trip a lot more.

Right now we are on a four hour layover in Boston ( what was I thinking?) Arya smelt tbd while flight and so far has been snoozing away for the past two hours in the airport. Cross your fingers that this continues..

Mama’s night out

I’m so lucky to have an awesome friend willing to babysit so I had my first night out since having Arya on Wednesday. I went to see the band Snail Mail who I have been obsessed with for the past year. They are fronted by an amazing 19 year old female guitar player/songwriter. She takes up space unlike many musicians twice her age and growls/sings in such a unique and badass way. I had such a great time and bounced around and sang along.

And I only thought about the baby the whole time and checked my phone at least 100 times in the 5 hours I was gone. But hey, it’s a start.

I had a great moment in the bathroom where I found myself hating on my body in the mirror. Then I thought to myself, I’m not going to be fucking 40 years old and still hating on my body! It felt so good- and actually worked for the most part.

When I got home my awesome friend had put Arya down but forgot to take off her bib. Although it was after midnight I risked waking her up by taking it off of her because it could block her airway. Well- it woke her up and when she was almost completely asleep after 45 minutes of rocking her back to sleep-she projectile vomited all over both of us and peed all over herself when I was changing her.

Sometimes I do miss having a partner just so I can commiserate and laugh at times like these. Especially after this time a few months ago when she projectile pooped over my shoulder ( really) and it splattered on the wall.

Eye color

Since Arya was born I’ve been a bit obsessed over what her eye color will eventually be. As with most white babies, she was born with blue eyes. They are a pretty dark blue though so they could turn green or more likely brown at anytime.

I guess my obsession stems from me and my family all having blue eyes. I always said I didn’t care but deep down I really want her to look like me. She has most of my facial features already so blue eyes or not it will be obvious she is mine.

I really wanted to choose a donor with blue eyes but it seemed so unimportant when it came down to choosing. Especially considering that his health history was so great and he seemed like a pretty great human all around. I just read an article that said a baby’s eyes can change until they are three so I guess I have to be patient.

Families Belong Together

While I’m happy to hear our disgusting president signed an executive order to address family separation the fight is far from over.

(reposted from Carwil Bjork James) The order is not a solution, and it makes some things worse:

Here’s what it actually does…

1. Codifies Jeff Sessions’ “zero tolerance” directive until new immigration legislation is passed.

2. Limits the definition of family to parent-child pairs. Aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. are excluded.

3. Puts families under Homeland Security custody during criminal, immigration cases. Previously, children and detained families had to be held in facilities contracted by the Department of Health and Human Services.

3c. Authorizes the military to build new prisons for migrant families.

3d. Allows all Federal departments to offer their buildings as prisons.

3e. Authorizes the DOJ to try to wriggle out of the Flores Agreement.

4. Orders parents to be prosecuted first in immigration courts

Text of EO: https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/affording-congress-opportunity-address-family-separation/