Mama’s night out

I’m so lucky to have an awesome friend willing to babysit so I had my first night out since having Arya on Wednesday. I went to see the band Snail Mail who I have been obsessed with for the past year. They are fronted by an amazing 19 year old female guitar player/songwriter. She takes up space unlike many musicians twice her age and growls/sings in such a unique and badass way. I had such a great time and bounced around and sang along.

And I only thought about the baby the whole time and checked my phone at least 100 times in the 5 hours I was gone. But hey, it’s a start.

I had a great moment in the bathroom where I found myself hating on my body in the mirror. Then I thought to myself, I’m not going to be fucking 40 years old and still hating on my body! It felt so good- and actually worked for the most part.

When I got home my awesome friend had put Arya down but forgot to take off her bib. Although it was after midnight I risked waking her up by taking it off of her because it could block her airway. Well- it woke her up and when she was almost completely asleep after 45 minutes of rocking her back to sleep-she projectile vomited all over both of us and peed all over herself when I was changing her.

Sometimes I do miss having a partner just so I can commiserate and laugh at times like these. Especially after this time a few months ago when she projectile pooped over my shoulder ( really) and it splattered on the wall.

Eye color

Since Arya was born I’ve been a bit obsessed over what her eye color will eventually be. As with most white babies, she was born with blue eyes. They are a pretty dark blue though so they could turn green or more likely brown at anytime.

I guess my obsession stems from me and my family all having blue eyes. I always said I didn’t care but deep down I really want her to look like me. She has most of my facial features already so blue eyes or not it will be obvious she is mine.

I really wanted to choose a donor with blue eyes but it seemed so unimportant when it came down to choosing. Especially considering that his health history was so great and he seemed like a pretty great human all around. I just read an article that said a baby’s eyes can change until they are three so I guess I have to be patient.

So many needles!

I had my baseline ultrasound and all is looking well in my nether region.  The doctor said I would be getting my period very soon because he could see my uterus cramping on the screen ( weird). Before he left the room, Dr. Cowboy gave me a pep talk about fighting my HMO for the fibroid surgery. I told him I get paid to argue and I’m not going to let them bully me.

The nurse gave me a one on one class on how to do the injections. She had me bring some of my meds in because they are the weird European kind. I brought them in my space cats lunchbox with an ice pack and that made her laugh.

When I got home I made a little place in my bathroom to store everything. I also put the schedule on the wall so I can remember to check it off each time.

The impending injections had my anxiety working overtime. Distracting myself with a project and cooking dinner helped a bit. I have my fingers and toes crossed that the injections won’t send me further down the depression/ anxiety rabbit hole.

Treat Yourself 

I have my baseline ultrasound and blood tests tomorrow. The nurse is also going to show me how to do the injections. I’m a ball of nerves. It doesn’t help that stopping the birth control sent me into an intense 24 hour depression. I have my fingers crossed that the injections won’t have the same effect.

I am still dairy and gluten free and this little dessert has been saving my life. Its just frozen bananas, a tablespoon of peanut butter, a pinch of cocoa powder, and some almond milk blended in a food processor. I added some sprinkles tonight cause I deserve it.

Where in the world are my fertility drugs?

In an effort to cut costs I have decided to take a leap of faith and order my drugs online from a company in Israel called  The price difference will be a little over $1600 (seriously).  I have researched (aka googled) the hell out of this company to make sure I wasn’t being scammed.  Everything I was able to find (not much) was positive.

The sketchiest part of this transaction is that I have to pay $2373 by international wire transfer.  So, if this is a scam I’m seriously screwed.  I was able to call the 800 number for the office located in New York and I spoke to a very strange fellow who assured me that they do about 100 transactions a day.  The thing that made me more confident is that they won’t fill an order without a prescription from a U.S. doctor.

My bank wouldn’t do an international wire transfer, so after some back and forth they agreed to let me pay to a U.S. based bank.  I very nervously went to my bank to transfer the funds and immediately emailed the weird customer service guy who seemed baffled my the Monday (Colombus Day)  bank holiday.

I was on pins and needles for the next two days but I finally got confirmation that they had received my money and were processing my order.  I got a tracking number (with a random message that they also sent me skin products from the dead sea…ummm ok?).

I have been anxiously tracking my drugs ever since.  So far they have been to Tel Aviv and Queens, NYC.