More diabeetus BS

warning: lots of whining below..

So my blood sugar levels continue to be a mystery.  As expected, the tiny increase in my insulin has done nothing to help my fasting levels.  But now I’m getting some high readings after my daily meals.  The most frustrating part of this is that many of the foods causing the high readings were perfectly fine 1-2 weeks ago.  I’m assuming my placenta is giving off more hormones but it totally sucks.  Two weeks ago I made this amazing pumpkin curry with brown rice and my readings every time I ate it were perfect.  I remade a huge pot of it this week for lunches and dinners and its sending my blood sugar through the roof.  This is the same for my go-to breakfasts of plain yogurt and granola or wheat toast with peanut butter.  Also, the meter I’ve been using to test isn’t exactly the most accurate.  Today I tested two minutes apart and there was a 12 mg difference.

I’m feeling a bit of a guilt because I want to do the best I can for the baby.  Every time I get a high reading I think about how they said I could be increasing her changes of getting diabetes.  Rationally, I know i’m being unreasonably hard on myself but it still worries me.  I’m hoping my call with the nurses on Friday will chill me out.

I also had a crappy confrontation with a woman on the subway this morning.  She was sitting in the pregnant/disabled seats and I asked if I could sit down.  She gave me a very rude/skeptical look and I got annoyed and said “hey, if you don’t need this seat, I’d like to sit down because I’m 8 months pregnant!”  She glared and me, got up, and said “well I couldn’t even tell.”  Arghh… First of all, I look really pregnant but even if I didn’t she should still be prepared to give up the seat if she doesn’t need it.  Also lot of disabilities aren’t visible and she should give people the benefit of the doubt.

Ok rant over.  On the positive side, only 4.5 weeks until maternity leave!

How are you feeling?

This is the most common question I get. People are definitely being kind asking and I feel like such a Debbie downer when I answer honestly. I usually decline to tell them about my daily projectile vomits and struggles with my blood sugar and answer ” ummm… ok.”

The insulin has done nothing to help my fasting levels and just feels like an exercise in futility. They told me to increase it by one tiny unit tonight and the nurse acknowledged that this would likely do nothing to help but that she is only authorized to increase it by 20% every three days. She also said I should wake up at 3am the next few nights to check my blood sugar. I swear they are just fucking with me at this point.. Here is my typical bedtime ritual these days:

My work threw me an amazing shower last week. Everyone chipped in and generously gave me a bunch of money toward daycare. It was seriously the perfect gift. They also decorated pages of good wishes for my baby. This included a lot of dinosaurs, cats, and social justice messages. I feel so lucky to work with such awesome people!

So I’ve had my gestational diabetes generally under control since my diagnosis. The big exception has been my fasting blood sugar levels ( the time when I fall asleep to when I wake up). It’s really counter-intuitive because you would think my numbers would be lower while fasting. The nurses explained to me that after a certain amount of fasting, your body ( when you have GD) puts out more blood sugar. I have tried everything they have told me to do which has mainly consisted of eating late-night snacks so my body isn’t without food for more than 9-10 hours. It’s been annoying because I’ve been exhausted so I’m setting an alarm for midnight so I can eat cheese or other protein. Unfortunately, this hasn’t worked and I have to start taking insulin. Given all the ups and downs of this pregnancy, I’ve just kind of accepted it because there is nothing I can do about it. Also, I’m not afraid of the needles considering the 200+ I injected myself with during IVF. It also helps that they have assured me this isn’t because I’ve done anything wrong and that it will go away right after I give birth.

In more positive news, my work is throwing me a baby shower tomorrow and the epic shower my friends are planning is next weekend! And I have been taking full advantage of the huge claw foot tub in my bathroom. I swear baths are the best when you are pregnant.

Anxiety!

DEPRESSIONTWO40

The third trimester has my brain in a bit of a tailspin.  I’ve chosen the ever so healthy coping mechanism of going down rabbit holes of worry.  For example, despite that I have been fully aware of how tight my budget will be after the bean is born, I decided to completely freak out the other day.  I ran numbers several times and frantically decided to put myself on an extreme budget until she is born-which I’ve since abandoned after calming down.

Two days ago I read about a very rare condition called insufficient glandular tissue disorder which makes it impossible for women to breastfeed.  After reading the symptoms I decided that I definitely have it-they include: 1) one breast being significantly bigger than the other (one of my boobs is bigger but I wouldn’t call it significant) 2) no breast changes during pregnancy (mine haven’t grown much but have been super sore) 3) widely spaced breasts (nope) 4) tubular breast shape (nope) 5) disproportionately large areolae (mine are big but not disproportionate.  I almost made an appointment with my OB to discuss my “condition” and sent a frantic text message to my sister asking why she didn’t breastfeed (her milk came in but she just didn’t want to do it).  Luckily i’ve been able to relax and chill myself out enough to realize that it is highly unlikely I have this condition.  But I can’t wait until my brain decides to latch to something else..

I talked to my boss on Monday and my last day before leave will be March 2nd.  That is only 7 weeks away!  It seems both really soon and really far away.  My energy levels have definitely decreased since I hit the third trimester.  Tuesday and Wednesday I basically went home, ate dinner, and slept for 12 hours.  Wednesday night I woke up at 10:30 PM and bought an earthquake prep kit and then fell back asleep.  I attribute that to the earthquake we just had (it woke me up but was no big deal) and my new mom worry.

The bean is getting bigger and bigger and moves so much more than she did even a week ago.  I was told to start kick counts this week (checking for 10 kicks in two hours when bae is most active) and she usually gets to 10 in about five minutes.  This morning she kicked me so hard in the bladder that it stopped me in my tracks.

I’ve also been reflecting on going through this without a partner.  I have to say I’m still really, really fine doing it on my own.  Like I can’t even imagine doing this with my ex husband (or anyone else).  I honestly thought I would have so many more feelings about this and I’m surprised that I just….don’t.

I’m super looking forward to the long weekend ahead for more baby prep and brunch, walks and museums with friends.  I saw an awesome play last night called ” the Black Rider” which was written by William S. Burroughs and Tom Waits.  It was so weirdly awesome.  Happy weekend everyone!

Post holiday update

Christmas at home was awesome and relaxing. I spent most of my time planted on my parent’s couch eating their food. It hovered close to zero for a lot of the time I was there so I didn’t go out too much. But I did manage to take this ridiculous ” maternity ” photo in front of my favorite local hot dog place:

I got back to California with four more days off and spent most of it getting my place ready for the bean. I feel so so lucky to have such a huge community who will help me shop, move things around, and put together furniture. Here are some pictures of our progress:

I expected going back to work to be tough after 10 days off, but I was feeling even worse than I thought I would.  When I got home Tuesday night my stomach was making crazy noises and I had terrible diarrhea. I called the advice nurse and they were worried it could be early labor so they insisted I see my OB the next day. I wasn’t too worried because I hadn’t felt any contractions and the bean was kicking up a storm.

The OB said the baby was fine but that I have the norovirus. Also, I had her take a look at my above the butt area ( good times) because I had been having a lot of pain there and my condition caused some butt blisters/ ulcers. They are so painful she prescribed me Norco ( codeine) but I’ve been avoiding it because it’s probably not good for the baby.

Now I’m working from home praying this goes away ASAP. Ohh the joys of pregnancy.

Viability

Now I know why people make such a big deal at this time. I didn’t realize what a relief it would be! At 26 weeks my little ( butternut squash, slow loris, bowling pin-depending on what app I’m using) has a 90% chance of survival.

Now to get through my last day of work before vacation..