When you are up at 3 A.M. with your baby who won’t sleep…

…its a good time to re-write the lyrics to the B-52’s “Loveshack.” (Don’t judge me I was sleep deprived)

If you see a faded sign by the side of the road that says
Fifteen miles to the, baby shack!

baby shack yeah-ah

I’m headin’ down the Nimitz freeway
Lookin’ for the baby getaway
Headed for the baby getaway, 
I got me a stroller at the Toys R Us sale,
And we’re headin’ on down to the baby shack
I got me a trike, it seats about twenty
So hurry up and bring your juicebox money

The baby shack is a little old place where
Arya gets together…
with all the other ba-bies…
Baby shack baby

Baby shack, baby, baby shack
Baby shack, baby, baby shack

Baby shack, baby, baby shack

Sign says, woo, nobody drools
The club rules, at the baby shack
Well it’s set way back in the middle of a field
Just a funky old shack and Arya’s gotta get back
Glitter on the changing pad
Glitter on the height chair… oh yeah
Glitter on the carpet
Glitter on the bouncy chair..yeah

The baby shack is a little old place where
Arya gets together…
with all the other babies
Baby shack baby

Baby shack, baby, baby shack
Baby shack, baby, baby shack

Baby shack, baby, baby shack

Huggin’ and a-kissin’, dancin’ and a-snuggling’
Wearin’ only diapers ’cause it’s hot as an oven
The whole shack shimmies
Yeah the whole shack shimmies
The whole shack shimmies when every baby’s movin’ around
And around and around and around
Every baby’s wigglin’, every babies cruisin’ baby
Sleepy babies linin’ up outside just to go down
Every baby’s wigglin’, every babies cruisin’ baby
Funky little shack
Funky little shack

Hop in my stroller, it’s as big as a whale
And it’s about to set sail
I got me a trike, it seats about twenty,

so come on and bring your jukebox money
The baby shack is a little old place where

Arya gets together…

with all the other ba-bies…

Baby shack baby

Baby shack, baby, baby shack

Baby shack, baby, baby shack

Baby shack, baby, baby shack

 

Bang bang bang on the door baby!
Knock a little louder baby!
Bang bang bang on the door baby!
I can’t hear you
Bang bang bang on the door baby!
Knock a little louder sugar!
Bang bang bang on the door baby!
I can’t hear you

Bang bang bang on the door baby, knock a little louder
Bang bang on the door baby, bang bang!
On the door baby, bang bang!
On the door, bang bang!
On the door baby, bang bang!

You smell what..?

Somebody…. pooped!
Busted!

Baby shack, baby, baby shack

Baby shack, baby, baby shack

Baby shack, baby, baby shack

Baby shack, baby, baby shack

Sort of settling in

Almost everyone I see asks me how I feel being back to work and I’m finding it hard to answer.  I’m so so proud I’m making this work and it seems do-able.   And if I’m being honest, Arya being such a chill and easy baby is probably 95% of why this feels so manageable.  She still mostly sleeps through the night so I’m getting about 7 hours of sleep a night, she goes to bed around 7-7:30 so I have a few hours at night to myself, she is perfectly content hanging out with most people, and she is able to entertain herself for decent stretches of time.  And yes, I am fully aware of how lucky I am and I tell Arya every day how grateful I am for her.

But I have a constant fear of money hanging over me.  We are just barely squeaking by.  We are completely living check to check and we would be completely screwed if I were to ever lose my job (or our rent controlled apartment).  Not only is this terrifying but it also makes me so angry.  I’m an attorney and I make almost six figures.  And while this pales in comparison to what many of my classmates (who chose much more lucrative legal careers) it shouldn’t be this hard..right?  So fuck capitalism and can we please get universal free childcare, healthcare, and education already?

On a very unrelated note, I had the weirdest interaction with Arya’s daycare yesterday.  When I dropped her off she was wearing a onesie and baby leg warmers.  The outfit looked a lot like this:

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One of the teachers was like: “look at you today!”  I assumed she thought the outfit was cute.  Later, when I picked Arya up the same teacher was like: “today we called her sexy girl!.”  Um what?  I didn’t ask her to elaborate and just responded “oh haha.”  I’m thinking she thought the legwarmers looked like women’s thigh high stockings or something.  It was so weird and a bit gross and I know this wouldn’t have happened if she was a boy.  Can you please not sexualize my six month old?

Despite the weirdness, I decided not to say anything.  I have been super, duper happy with how they are taking care of Arya and she is so happy when I drop her off and pick her up.  I  have to pick and choose my battles and this just isn’t worth it.  But WTF?

transitions

This is the start of my fourth week of work.  It’s been surprisingly nice being back and having a routine with Arya.  I know it sounds awful but I thought I would miss her more than I do.  Not to say I don’t miss her, but its been great to have some balance.  I also love how I’m actually excited when I pick her up from daycare when her smile seriously melts me.

But this post isn’t about Arya, its about work.  On one hand, its so refreshing to use my brain for more abstract things and to be working on issues related to social justice (especially during this dumpster fire period in my county’s history).  But, I’m also feeling like I need to “prove myself” and my “worth” to my organization.  To be clear, no one has said anything to me to to suggest this is the case (actually they have all been super sweet and welcoming).  But, I was pretty checked out when I went on maternity leave.  As I’ve discussed on this blog, I had an absolutely awful pregnancy.  I was sick the entire time.  This made it really hard to work and keep on top of everything.  I’ll be the first to admit that my work suffered.  I had a review with our executive director before I left on leave.  While it was mainly positive he did mention that I need to pay better attention to detail and be more meticulous about what I put out.  I completely owned it because it was true.  I vowed to up my game when I came back and I was serious.

I’ve made a huge effort to be really efficient and on top of things since i’ve returned.  I’ve taken a lot of initiative to jump right back in and I feel good where things are at.  At my first meeting back with my boss she asked how things were going. I mentioned how much “more on my game” I feel now and I admitted that I was having a hard time with the pregnancy sickness and lack of energy.  She seemed happy I mentioned the elephant in the room and we continued our conversation.  I think she has a hard time having difficult conversations with me because we were friends before she became my supervisor and we hang out socially outside of work,  But I just wanted her to know that I’m committed to doing a good job.

Also, they are letting me work a modified schedule because Arya’s daycare is only open 8:30 to 5:30 so i can only be physically in the office 9:30-4:30.  I’ve been super focused while in the office and have worked straight through (not taking a lunch) so I can be as productive as possible.  I’ve also been putting in (some) hours on nights/weekends to make up for the time i’m out of the office.  I’m honestly feeling like I’m pulling my weight and it feels great.

So on Friday I asked my boss if she would be amenable to me working from home once a week.  This isn’t unheard of-many people in my office do this.  Almost all of our work can be done remotely.  I explained that with the additional time I would gain not commuting (because daycare is like 2 blocks away) I could work more (i would gain about an additional 1.5 hours).  I expected her to be cool with my request but she wasn’t as enthusiastic as I expected.  She basically said she wanted to think on it and ask our executive director.  She expressed concern about me being out of the office more (which was definitely valid).  And then she asked me how I was making up my missing hours.  I told her I was doing nights and weekends here and there.  Then the conversation ended and I left feeling very uneasy.

Now that I’m writing this, I’m thinking maybe I asked for too much.  Maybe I should have waited a few months into this transition back to ask for this?  I can seriously see both sides of this issue so i’m on so pins and needles until I get a final decision.  In the meantime I’m trying to not get too spun out on this.  I did a bunch of hours this weekend (thank god Arya is amazing at entertaining herself).  But I can’t help but feel a bit judged.