This is the start of my fourth week of work. It’s been surprisingly nice being back and having a routine with Arya. I know it sounds awful but I thought I would miss her more than I do. Not to say I don’t miss her, but its been great to have some balance. I also love how I’m actually excited when I pick her up from daycare when her smile seriously melts me.
But this post isn’t about Arya, its about work. On one hand, its so refreshing to use my brain for more abstract things and to be working on issues related to social justice (especially during this dumpster fire period in my county’s history). But, I’m also feeling like I need to “prove myself” and my “worth” to my organization. To be clear, no one has said anything to me to to suggest this is the case (actually they have all been super sweet and welcoming). But, I was pretty checked out when I went on maternity leave. As I’ve discussed on this blog, I had an absolutely awful pregnancy. I was sick the entire time. This made it really hard to work and keep on top of everything. I’ll be the first to admit that my work suffered. I had a review with our executive director before I left on leave. While it was mainly positive he did mention that I need to pay better attention to detail and be more meticulous about what I put out. I completely owned it because it was true. I vowed to up my game when I came back and I was serious.
I’ve made a huge effort to be really efficient and on top of things since i’ve returned. I’ve taken a lot of initiative to jump right back in and I feel good where things are at. At my first meeting back with my boss she asked how things were going. I mentioned how much “more on my game” I feel now and I admitted that I was having a hard time with the pregnancy sickness and lack of energy. She seemed happy I mentioned the elephant in the room and we continued our conversation. I think she has a hard time having difficult conversations with me because we were friends before she became my supervisor and we hang out socially outside of work, But I just wanted her to know that I’m committed to doing a good job.
Also, they are letting me work a modified schedule because Arya’s daycare is only open 8:30 to 5:30 so i can only be physically in the office 9:30-4:30. I’ve been super focused while in the office and have worked straight through (not taking a lunch) so I can be as productive as possible. I’ve also been putting in (some) hours on nights/weekends to make up for the time i’m out of the office. I’m honestly feeling like I’m pulling my weight and it feels great.
So on Friday I asked my boss if she would be amenable to me working from home once a week. This isn’t unheard of-many people in my office do this. Almost all of our work can be done remotely. I explained that with the additional time I would gain not commuting (because daycare is like 2 blocks away) I could work more (i would gain about an additional 1.5 hours). I expected her to be cool with my request but she wasn’t as enthusiastic as I expected. She basically said she wanted to think on it and ask our executive director. She expressed concern about me being out of the office more (which was definitely valid). And then she asked me how I was making up my missing hours. I told her I was doing nights and weekends here and there. Then the conversation ended and I left feeling very uneasy.
Now that I’m writing this, I’m thinking maybe I asked for too much. Maybe I should have waited a few months into this transition back to ask for this? I can seriously see both sides of this issue so i’m on so pins and needles until I get a final decision. In the meantime I’m trying to not get too spun out on this. I did a bunch of hours this weekend (thank god Arya is amazing at entertaining herself). But I can’t help but feel a bit judged.