Anxiety!

DEPRESSIONTWO40

The third trimester has my brain in a bit of a tailspin.  I’ve chosen the ever so healthy coping mechanism of going down rabbit holes of worry.  For example, despite that I have been fully aware of how tight my budget will be after the bean is born, I decided to completely freak out the other day.  I ran numbers several times and frantically decided to put myself on an extreme budget until she is born-which I’ve since abandoned after calming down.

Two days ago I read about a very rare condition called insufficient glandular tissue disorder which makes it impossible for women to breastfeed.  After reading the symptoms I decided that I definitely have it-they include: 1) one breast being significantly bigger than the other (one of my boobs is bigger but I wouldn’t call it significant) 2) no breast changes during pregnancy (mine haven’t grown much but have been super sore) 3) widely spaced breasts (nope) 4) tubular breast shape (nope) 5) disproportionately large areolae (mine are big but not disproportionate.  I almost made an appointment with my OB to discuss my “condition” and sent a frantic text message to my sister asking why she didn’t breastfeed (her milk came in but she just didn’t want to do it).  Luckily i’ve been able to relax and chill myself out enough to realize that it is highly unlikely I have this condition.  But I can’t wait until my brain decides to latch to something else..

I talked to my boss on Monday and my last day before leave will be March 2nd.  That is only 7 weeks away!  It seems both really soon and really far away.  My energy levels have definitely decreased since I hit the third trimester.  Tuesday and Wednesday I basically went home, ate dinner, and slept for 12 hours.  Wednesday night I woke up at 10:30 PM and bought an earthquake prep kit and then fell back asleep.  I attribute that to the earthquake we just had (it woke me up but was no big deal) and my new mom worry.

The bean is getting bigger and bigger and moves so much more than she did even a week ago.  I was told to start kick counts this week (checking for 10 kicks in two hours when bae is most active) and she usually gets to 10 in about five minutes.  This morning she kicked me so hard in the bladder that it stopped me in my tracks.

I’ve also been reflecting on going through this without a partner.  I have to say I’m still really, really fine doing it on my own.  Like I can’t even imagine doing this with my ex husband (or anyone else).  I honestly thought I would have so many more feelings about this and I’m surprised that I just….don’t.

I’m super looking forward to the long weekend ahead for more baby prep and brunch, walks and museums with friends.  I saw an awesome play last night called ” the Black Rider” which was written by William S. Burroughs and Tom Waits.  It was so weirdly awesome.  Happy weekend everyone!

Post holiday update

Christmas at home was awesome and relaxing. I spent most of my time planted on my parent’s couch eating their food. It hovered close to zero for a lot of the time I was there so I didn’t go out too much. But I did manage to take this ridiculous ” maternity ” photo in front of my favorite local hot dog place:

I got back to California with four more days off and spent most of it getting my place ready for the bean. I feel so so lucky to have such a huge community who will help me shop, move things around, and put together furniture. Here are some pictures of our progress:

I expected going back to work to be tough after 10 days off, but I was feeling even worse than I thought I would.  When I got home Tuesday night my stomach was making crazy noises and I had terrible diarrhea. I called the advice nurse and they were worried it could be early labor so they insisted I see my OB the next day. I wasn’t too worried because I hadn’t felt any contractions and the bean was kicking up a storm.

The OB said the baby was fine but that I have the norovirus. Also, I had her take a look at my above the butt area ( good times) because I had been having a lot of pain there and my condition caused some butt blisters/ ulcers. They are so painful she prescribed me Norco ( codeine) but I’ve been avoiding it because it’s probably not good for the baby.

Now I’m working from home praying this goes away ASAP. Ohh the joys of pregnancy.