Anxiety!

DEPRESSIONTWO40

The third trimester has my brain in a bit of a tailspin.  I’ve chosen the ever so healthy coping mechanism of going down rabbit holes of worry.  For example, despite that I have been fully aware of how tight my budget will be after the bean is born, I decided to completely freak out the other day.  I ran numbers several times and frantically decided to put myself on an extreme budget until she is born-which I’ve since abandoned after calming down.

Two days ago I read about a very rare condition called insufficient glandular tissue disorder which makes it impossible for women to breastfeed.  After reading the symptoms I decided that I definitely have it-they include: 1) one breast being significantly bigger than the other (one of my boobs is bigger but I wouldn’t call it significant) 2) no breast changes during pregnancy (mine haven’t grown much but have been super sore) 3) widely spaced breasts (nope) 4) tubular breast shape (nope) 5) disproportionately large areolae (mine are big but not disproportionate.  I almost made an appointment with my OB to discuss my “condition” and sent a frantic text message to my sister asking why she didn’t breastfeed (her milk came in but she just didn’t want to do it).  Luckily i’ve been able to relax and chill myself out enough to realize that it is highly unlikely I have this condition.  But I can’t wait until my brain decides to latch to something else..

I talked to my boss on Monday and my last day before leave will be March 2nd.  That is only 7 weeks away!  It seems both really soon and really far away.  My energy levels have definitely decreased since I hit the third trimester.  Tuesday and Wednesday I basically went home, ate dinner, and slept for 12 hours.  Wednesday night I woke up at 10:30 PM and bought an earthquake prep kit and then fell back asleep.  I attribute that to the earthquake we just had (it woke me up but was no big deal) and my new mom worry.

The bean is getting bigger and bigger and moves so much more than she did even a week ago.  I was told to start kick counts this week (checking for 10 kicks in two hours when bae is most active) and she usually gets to 10 in about five minutes.  This morning she kicked me so hard in the bladder that it stopped me in my tracks.

I’ve also been reflecting on going through this without a partner.  I have to say I’m still really, really fine doing it on my own.  Like I can’t even imagine doing this with my ex husband (or anyone else).  I honestly thought I would have so many more feelings about this and I’m surprised that I just….don’t.

I’m super looking forward to the long weekend ahead for more baby prep and brunch, walks and museums with friends.  I saw an awesome play last night called ” the Black Rider” which was written by William S. Burroughs and Tom Waits.  It was so weirdly awesome.  Happy weekend everyone!

4 thoughts on “Anxiety!

  1. Happy third trimester! Are you getting help with your anxiety? I had anxiety years ago, very bad and ocd, and it cleared up almost completely when I went gluten free (after getting super sick for months and realizing I have celiac). Then it came roaring back when I was pregnant and stuck around for a while after I had my son. Everyone talked about ppd, but it wasn’t until a year ago that I learned ppa is a thing and I likely had it. Anyway, I do guided meditations on an app called insight timer, and I love it. There’s also an app called expectful geared toward fertility, pregnancy, birth, and babyhood. I also really like podcasts about birth such as Birth Hour. Have you taken a breastfeeding class, gone to local support groups, and gotten info for local IBCLCs? I can tell you that in the 400 or so moms I called with my job at WIC, only one had been diagnosed with something like IGT, and one had had a breast reduction 20 years ago and was doing great this time breastfeeding. I can often counter my anxiety with knowledge and it helps me get perspective and calm down. Everyone has different sized boobs and soreness counts as breast change.

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    1. Hey! Thanks for the support and resources! Yes, i’ve been getting some help. Both my mom and my sister had terrible PPD so I’ve been really aware of it being a possibility. I’ve struggled with anxiety my whole life so me and my OB decided I should stay on Zoloft during my pregnancy. This has worked good so far but writing about it and talking with friends really helps too. I have had a pretty frequent mediation practice in the past but it has really waned over the past months as I get more tired. Also, thanks for the info on IGT-it also helps me to get knowledge to counter my anxiety. Oooh and I love podcasts too. I’ll check out birth hour. Have you listed to Not by Accident? Its about an SMC in Denmark/Australia.

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  2. I know what you mean about feeling totally okay with doing this without a partner. Somehow, it just feels right for me, too. Meanwhile, how exciting that you’ve been feeling her move so much!

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