I felt like I was doing super good about managing my nerves and anxiety as this FET approaches.  Sadly my state of zen seems to have gone out the window.  I had a stress dream a few nights ago where I “delivered” my friend’s baby from a hole under her coffee table.  When I pulled the baby out he looked about 6 months old and they told me to “put him back” for a while.  Later they picked him up and started gushing over his adorableness and I was left lonely on the floor.  So yeah…this dream was definitely very, very loaded with feelings.

The subject of the dream is someone I’ve written about before ( Stupid Feelings ). She randomly got pregnant while taking birth control and has absolutely HATED the experience of pregnancy.  This is absolutely her experience and I totally respect her feelings.  Also, she awesomely initiated a conversation about how much I want to hear about it, etc.  So though no fault of her own she has entered into my emotional mind field.

That said, it’s hard to hear how much she is hating being pregnant sometimes-especially when I am so afraid I’ll never get to experience it for myself.  Although I really shouldn’t be, I’m surprised at how much more raw these feelings are now that the transfer is tomorrow.  There is just so much emotional, physical and (money!) riding on this one thing!  This is my only “good” embryo.  Thinking about my other embryo and other options is also doing nothing for me right now. Other things that are not helping me relax include googling embryo thawing issues, having a horrible nights sleep and stress eating non-paleo sugary things.  I’m so glad the transfer starts with a valium…





Hello from my Sunday doctor’s appointment. It’s strange going to a non- HMO clinic where they pamper you with snacks and warm blankets. And they are open 365 days a year so I can come in on the weekend.  Such a difference from the cattle call I’m used to.


I’m having an intralipid infusion which is really an IV of healthy egg and soy fats. Supposedly this will help to stop my body from attacking the embryo. Science is so weird.

I finally have a transfer date!

The nurse called and my lazy body has finally ovulated.  That means my transfer will be next Thursday, July 13th.  I’m so excited!  I’ll take the HCG trigger tonight and will start daily injections and suppositories.  I don’t even care about the discomfort because I’m finally going to do this.

My doctor wants me to have 24 hours of bedrest after the procedure.  This seems like overkill, but he  (literally) wrote the book on IVF so I’m just going with it.  Unfortunately, this falls on the two days where I have social events for work.  I hate to miss them because I like the people I work with and I’m new-but I obviously have no control over the timing. Only my supervisor (who was also a friend of several years) and another person here know I’m doing this.  They are amazingly supportive.  I’m usually a big blabbermouth about my TTC stuff-despite the big social taboos, but I decided to keep things under wraps for now.

slow ovaries

I had another bloodtest and ultrasound on Monday and still no ovulation.  Things are progressing slowly but my doctor said “we are destined for a long cycle.”  I’m going back Friday for more bloodwork which will (hopefully) finally say I’m ovulating.  Have you picked up on my lack of patience yet?