waiting for the other shoe to drop..

The constant monitoring of IVF pregnancies during the first trimester is both a blessing and a curse.  On one side, it’s very reassuring to have weekly confirmation that the embryo is alive and growing.  But, it also gives me more to worry about.  I was super nervous for my first beta HCG test.  Even more nervous for the second beta-because the doubling is a big predictor of viability.

After I got my second beta test I was super happy and relieved.  I even bought the most amazing baby dinosaur dress due to my new cautious optimism. But, i’m having a third beta test on Sunday and another a week later, a few days before an early ultrasound when I’m at about 6 weeks and 4 days.  Now I’m just focused on the next beta and then the ultrasound and then I’m sure it will be the next ultrasound.   And i’m feeling this way while working with really good odds because my embryo was PGS tested.  I have about a 10% chance of miscarriage at this point. It all just feels a bit anti-climactic I guess.  I’m definitely, definitely not complaining because this is something I’ve wanted forever and I’m closer than I’ve ever been.   As someone who struggled with infertility, I’m definitely used to tempering my feelings, but will I ever hit a place where I can feel less..uncertain?  Or maybe this is my first lesson on parenthood?

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