I felt like I was doing super good about managing my nerves and anxiety as this FET approaches.  Sadly my state of zen seems to have gone out the window.  I had a stress dream a few nights ago where I “delivered” my friend’s baby from a hole under her coffee table.  When I pulled the baby out he looked about 6 months old and they told me to “put him back” for a while.  Later they picked him up and started gushing over his adorableness and I was left lonely on the floor.  So yeah…this dream was definitely very, very loaded with feelings.

The subject of the dream is someone I’ve written about before ( Stupid Feelings ). She randomly got pregnant while taking birth control and has absolutely HATED the experience of pregnancy.  This is absolutely her experience and I totally respect her feelings.  Also, she awesomely initiated a conversation about how much I want to hear about it, etc.  So though no fault of her own she has entered into my emotional mind field.

That said, it’s hard to hear how much she is hating being pregnant sometimes-especially when I am so afraid I’ll never get to experience it for myself.  Although I really shouldn’t be, I’m surprised at how much more raw these feelings are now that the transfer is tomorrow.  There is just so much emotional, physical and (money!) riding on this one thing!  This is my only “good” embryo.  Thinking about my other embryo and other options is also doing nothing for me right now. Other things that are not helping me relax include googling embryo thawing issues, having a horrible nights sleep and stress eating non-paleo sugary things.  I’m so glad the transfer starts with a valium…




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