still waiting

 

The countdown continues.  I hate all of the trying to conceive waiting because I am a doer and when I have a goal I want to constantly be working towards it. This usually translates into obsessing over the many ways I could be taking care of my body.  I’m still trying to keep myself in check with this but I’m really excited to be starting therapy soon.

I have been getting into a good groove with running.  To motivate, I did weeks 2-8 of couch to 5k and I’m getting stronger and stronger. Now that it’s becoming more routine, I’m much more motivated to keep it up-but the awesome weather also helps. I also noticed some defining lines on my arms from the weight training I’ve been doing since I started the new job.  I was so excited I wanted to tell my co-worker (we were at out of town meetings) but I reminded myself that she probably wouldn’t care.  I’m a bit of an oversharer (and I’m writing this in my blog ).  I’m pretty sure my co-workers like me but they are already teasing me with “that’s a conversation for happy hour!” comments.  Sigh…i will be forever awkward..

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Today while I was taking my lunch break, I browsed around Target (there is one within walking distance of my office which is dangerous) and I found myself in the baby clothing section.  I wanted to buy one piece of cute baby clothing out of conscious optimism but I stopped myself.  Part of me is super afraid this won’t work out..but another part of myself is fairly confident that I will be a mom one way or another.  I have heard several Buddhist teachers talk about the “ego” or the “self-doubt/fear” part of the brain that drowns you in anxiety in order to “protect” you.  The advice I have been given is to acknowledge the voice’s presence but to treat it like a passing visitor.  So I try to say to myself “hey brain, I know you are trying to keep me safe by overflowing me with thoughts that I will never be a mother but I’ve got other visitors to focus on -so have a good day.”  It sounds super cheesy but it works..  So I’m going to buy the most adorable onesie ever because this will work and I will be a mom!

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