Stupid Feelings

I just heard from one of my best friends in the world that she is pregnant.  She is in her mid-thirties but it was unplanned and she was on birth control (a less than 1 % chance).

She was very afraid to tell me.  She called me up crying and said that she feels terrible getting what I am trying so hard to get….by accident.

I assured her that I am so happy for her and her partner (I really am!) and they have been the most amazingly present, loving and supportive friends through everything in the last two years.  They even took me to my egg retrieval.

BUT

I also had to choke back tears while we were talking.  I explained it away as a stuffy nose but I’m pretty sure she knew.  Even though she was giving me the space to have my feelings I just couldn’t bring myself to have them.  I fucking hate feeling like this.

She kept assuring me that this will happen for me too-but there is a possibility i won’t ever have this experience.    I have to have a major abdominal surgery and wait 6 months before implanting my one “good” and one “iffy.” embryo.  While I am healing I have to lose 2o more pounds to make sure I am optimizing my chances of getting pregnant.  And I’m doing this as a single mom. And there is a 30% chance it won’t lead to a pregnancy.

I have to do all of this while watching my friend’s belly grow. I have to do this while another one of my best friends has her baby in February.  I feel like the most selfish person in the world writing this.

I don’t want either of them to think they can’t be happy or excited around me.  I want to share in their experiences because they are my dear friends.  I want to throw them baby showers and make them adorable animal themed outfits and quilts.  And I will lovingly do that stuff.

And I will also be sad and resentful and frustrated that this road has been so fucking difficult for me.

And I will remind myself that its ok and possible to hold both sets of these feelings.

 

2 thoughts on “Stupid Feelings

  1. You aren’t selfish and these are not stupid feelings. It is really natural. I may currently be in a different space but I had 10+ years of feeling like this. Having operations whilst my friends “accidentally” got knocked up. Having to put on a brave face whilst wondering if I’d ever get that experience myself. Be kind to yourself. Your feelings are completely valid. X

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: Nerves

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