Stupid Feelings

I just heard from one of my best friends in the world that she is pregnant.  She is in her mid-thirties but it was unplanned and she was on birth control (a less than 1 % chance).

She was very afraid to tell me.  She called me up crying and said that she feels terrible getting what I am trying so hard to get….by accident.

I assured her that I am so happy for her and her partner (I really am!) and they have been the most amazingly present, loving and supportive friends through everything in the last two years.  They even took me to my egg retrieval.

BUT

I also had to choke back tears while we were talking.  I explained it away as a stuffy nose but I’m pretty sure she knew.  Even though she was giving me the space to have my feelings I just couldn’t bring myself to have them.  I fucking hate feeling like this.

She kept assuring me that this will happen for me too-but there is a possibility i won’t ever have this experience.    I have to have a major abdominal surgery and wait 6 months before implanting my one “good” and one “iffy.” embryo.  While I am healing I have to lose 2o more pounds to make sure I am optimizing my chances of getting pregnant.  And I’m doing this as a single mom. And there is a 30% chance it won’t lead to a pregnancy.

I have to do all of this while watching my friend’s belly grow. I have to do this while another one of my best friends has her baby in February.  I feel like the most selfish person in the world writing this.

I don’t want either of them to think they can’t be happy or excited around me.  I want to share in their experiences because they are my dear friends.  I want to throw them baby showers and make them adorable animal themed outfits and quilts.  And I will lovingly do that stuff.

And I will also be sad and resentful and frustrated that this road has been so fucking difficult for me.

And I will remind myself that its ok and possible to hold both sets of these feelings.

 

Back from vacation 

I went to Hawaii’ for a week and it really helped to clear my head. While I was there I spoke to my RE. He said he can’t say for sure if I have an egg quality issue or if I just had bad luck. He suggested I do another round of IVF but I don’t think I can afford it right now. He also said the mosaic embryo has a decent chance to result in a pregnancy.

I’ve decided to see how the transfers go and will re-evaluate afterwards if another round makes sense for me. I’m also looking into embryo adoption. 

Also my fibroid surgery is scheduled for 1/27. Yikes.