# 2 on the books

I had my second IUI today.  Not much to report.  I only had one follicle so they will be increasing my Femara the next cycle if this one doesn’t stick.

When I was waiting for the elevator an older man in a wheelchair pointed to my sperm tank and asked “what the heck is in there?”  I replied, “you don’t want to know.”  The person pushing the wheelchair (i’m assuming it was his son) looked at me apologetically.  The man continued asking me about it while we were riding down “is it a bomb? come on what is it?”  When the door opened I looked into his eyes and said “sperm!”  He didn’t respond.

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Not this time.

Took a test yesterday and it was negative.  I tried to stay cautiously optimistic afterwards but I got the old period this morning.  I’m way more disappointed than I expected.  Probably because I was convinced I was pregnant.

My friend who is also doing IUI’s said that the more you do, the more you realize how you shouldn’t put too much emotion and significance on each insemination.

I have learned how important it is (at least for me) to not analyze and obsess during the two week wait.  Part of me is anxious to try again and part of me can’t imagine doing this again.

To end things on a more cheerful note, here is a cute picture of my cat:

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Talking about it.

I recently joined the community over at Single Mothers by Choice.  The name is pretty self-explanatory, but its a huge online community of women who have chosen single motherhood for one reason or another.  I have been spending most of my time in the forums with women trying to conceive (TTC).  There are tons of websites for women trying to conceive but this is the first community I have found specifically for women having a similar TTC experience as me.

It can be very, very, lonely to go through this process alone. While I know most (“coupled”) people facing infertility or trying to conceive feel lonely at times, but it just seems….different… doing this as a single person. I don’t have a partner to lean on who is sharing in the emotional roller coaster of it all.  I am usually alone when have those pangs of “WTF am I doing?  How can I afford this!?”

This is why I am choosing to be trasnparent and open to many people in my life about this weird and strange process.  As you may have gathered, its not like i’m a really discreet person to begin with but this is a huge part of my life right now and I just need to talk about it.

I started with my close friends and my (amazingly supportive) boss.  I decided very early on to not tell my parents until I am at least 3 months pregnant (fingers crossed).  But, I felt an intense need to tell my sister.  We have gotten much, much closer in the last few years.  She even flew out here at the drop of a hat when my husband left (very suddenly).  She has definitely made different life choices.  She got married at 28 and had a kid at 32.  I wasn’t sure how she was going to react but I I just bit the bullet and called her:

“I have some very big news, I’ve decided to get pregnant on my own.  Like there is literally a tank of sperm in my living room right now.”  Short pause.  “OMG that is awesome!,” my sister replied “I have hoping you woukld do this!”  Phew..!

My sister and most people I have told have been nothing but supportive and it feels great to really talk about what it going on with me.  A few people have tried to ask how I could possibly afford this or have told me “you are so brave,” but I just shut the conversation down or change the subject.  And If this doesn’t work, at the very least I will have a lot of people to lean on.

 

 

 

The Two Week Wait

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After my IUI I scoured the internets to for any insight into ” early pregnancy” symptoms.  There are a million forums and blogs scrutinizing every possible symptom: nausea, tiredness, back pain, uterine pain.  I painstakingly read them for hours and hours noting every possible symptom.

To be honest, I convinced myself I was pregnant.  Although much of the information I was reading warned that there are usually no symptoms until after a positive pregnancy test.

I went as far as to cancel an hour hottub I had booked for my birthday.  I also thought about cancelling a massage but finally decided to go ahead with it.  It was my birthday after all.

I’m supposed to get my period in 4 days.  Sadly, i’m starting to feel the familiar pangs of menstrual cramps.  Ughhh.

Happy Birthday-you have diabetes!

A few days ago my doctor ordered me to take a bunch of blood glucose tests because I have PCOS which can cause insulim intolerance.  I had to drink this nasty sugary drink and have my blood drawn a few times in the two hours afterwards.

My HMO automatically emails me test results-usually with no explanation but the result and what a “normal range” would be.  Well I got the results via email and they didn’t look good. Just in the beginning of the “not normal” range.  I was at work so I shot a quick email to the doctor on the way to another Federal Court mediation.

During a lull in the mediation (which is pretty much the entire time) I got a response back from one of the NP’s.  She said they had diagnosed me with diabetes.  Who the hell gives someone a diagnosis of a disease via email???  I had to pretend not to be totally freaking out while frantically googling everything about diabetes on my phone.

I responded asking for more information and she replied quickly  saying she had misread my results and that I’m at risk for developing diabetes but that I don’t actually have it.  What?? I was very relived but also super pissed at this little oversight.

She did put me on a medication and suggested that I cut down on carbs which are my only joy these days..  arghhh