Anxiety!

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The third trimester has my brain in a bit of a tailspin.  I’ve chosen the ever so healthy coping mechanism of going down rabbit holes of worry.  For example, despite that I have been fully aware of how tight my budget will be after the bean is born, I decided to completely freak out the other day.  I ran numbers several times and frantically decided to put myself on an extreme budget until she is born-which I’ve since abandoned after calming down.

Two days ago I read about a very rare condition called insufficient glandular tissue disorder which makes it impossible for women to breastfeed.  After reading the symptoms I decided that I definitely have it-they include: 1) one breast being significantly bigger than the other (one of my boobs is bigger but I wouldn’t call it significant) 2) no breast changes during pregnancy (mine haven’t grown much but have been super sore) 3) widely spaced breasts (nope) 4) tubular breast shape (nope) 5) disproportionately large areolae (mine are big but not disproportionate.  I almost made an appointment with my OB to discuss my “condition” and sent a frantic text message to my sister asking why she didn’t breastfeed (her milk came in but she just didn’t want to do it).  Luckily i’ve been able to relax and chill myself out enough to realize that it is highly unlikely I have this condition.  But I can’t wait until my brain decides to latch to something else..

I talked to my boss on Monday and my last day before leave will be March 2nd.  That is only 7 weeks away!  It seems both really soon and really far away.  My energy levels have definitely decreased since I hit the third trimester.  Tuesday and Wednesday I basically went home, ate dinner, and slept for 12 hours.  Wednesday night I woke up at 10:30 PM and bought an earthquake prep kit and then fell back asleep.  I attribute that to the earthquake we just had (it woke me up but was no big deal) and my new mom worry.

The bean is getting bigger and bigger and moves so much more than she did even a week ago.  I was told to start kick counts this week (checking for 10 kicks in two hours when bae is most active) and she usually gets to 10 in about five minutes.  This morning she kicked me so hard in the bladder that it stopped me in my tracks.

I’ve also been reflecting on going through this without a partner.  I have to say I’m still really, really fine doing it on my own.  Like I can’t even imagine doing this with my ex husband (or anyone else).  I honestly thought I would have so many more feelings about this and I’m surprised that I just….don’t.

I’m super looking forward to the long weekend ahead for more baby prep and brunch, walks and museums with friends.  I saw an awesome play last night called ” the Black Rider” which was written by William S. Burroughs and Tom Waits.  It was so weirdly awesome.  Happy weekend everyone!

Post holiday update

Christmas at home was awesome and relaxing. I spent most of my time planted on my parent’s couch eating their food. It hovered close to zero for a lot of the time I was there so I didn’t go out too much. But I did manage to take this ridiculous ” maternity ” photo in front of my favorite local hot dog place:

I got back to California with four more days off and spent most of it getting my place ready for the bean. I feel so so lucky to have such a huge community who will help me shop, move things around, and put together furniture. Here are some pictures of our progress:

I expected going back to work to be tough after 10 days off, but I was feeling even worse than I thought I would.  When I got home Tuesday night my stomach was making crazy noises and I had terrible diarrhea. I called the advice nurse and they were worried it could be early labor so they insisted I see my OB the next day. I wasn’t too worried because I hadn’t felt any contractions and the bean was kicking up a storm.

The OB said the baby was fine but that I have the norovirus. Also, I had her take a look at my above the butt area ( good times) because I had been having a lot of pain there and my condition caused some butt blisters/ ulcers. They are so painful she prescribed me Norco ( codeine) but I’ve been avoiding it because it’s probably not good for the baby.

Now I’m working from home praying this goes away ASAP. Ohh the joys of pregnancy.

Viability

Now I know why people make such a big deal at this time. I didn’t realize what a relief it would be! At 26 weeks my little ( butternut squash, slow loris, bowling pin-depending on what app I’m using) has a 90% chance of survival.

Now to get through my last day of work before vacation..

Worst Morning Ever

This morning I ate part of a frittata with veggies and a small piece of wheat toast.  This has been my go to diabetes meal and has kept my glucose level down but also fills me up.  Unfortunately today, I suddenly have an aversion to eggs and I had to choke it down. I felt fine afterwards, until I went into the kitchen and began projectile vomiting all over.  So not only did I have to puke and feel crappy, but I had to clean it all up.  Which made me 30 minutes late for work.

When I was walking to the train I started thinking about how much easier this would have been if I had a partner.  So I was late and already in a terrible mood getting on the train.  And the only seat left was next to a guy who hadn’t showered in a few days (at least).  I almost puked again in the barf bag I carry for such awesome occasions.  Instead, I put on a ton of chapstick that smells like chocolate and took long sniffs of my diet snapple. Then I finally was able to move to another seat.  I started listening to this amazing podcast called “How to Raise a Girl” about a mom and her transgender 3 year old and I started weeping.

I was a total mess when I got to work but luckily, I have the best supervisor ever and I just laid down for 15 minutes until the nausea completely passed.  Only 3 more days until I go home for Christmas!  I can’t wait to have someone take care of me for a while!

Commuting woes

I’m lucky to exclusively commute to work by taking the subway (here we call it BART) and walking.  It has improved my quality of life by leaps and bounds from when I commuted 1.5 hours by car each way for my last job.    However, (as i’ve discussed before)  being pregnant has tuned me in to a really f-up dynamic on public transportation as it relates to disabled/pregnant people. Occasionally, people offer me a seat right away but i’d say 75% of the time I have to ask for the seat for them to give it up.  At least now that my bump is really present, people don’t give me a lot of attitude when I ask for a seat (that are clearly marked for the disabled/pregnant riders).

Yesterday I had two really frustrating interactions.  In the morning when I got on the (always packed) train all of the disabled seats were taken.  A woman was sitting in one of them (next to a person with a leg brace) and she was putting on her make-up.  I don’t like to assume someone isn’t disabled based on outward appearance so I usually say something like “if you don’t need the seat, can I sit down?”  So when I asked this woman for a seat she replied “i’m expecting too.”  The person with the brace looked at her skeptically and in realizing we both knew she was full of crap, she stood up and gave me her seat.  The woman with the brace said she was really frustrated with BART riders when it comes to this stuff, particularly men, because its almost always women who give up their seats.  The make-up lady then butted into our conversation saying “if you want to be equal to men,  how can you expect people to give you a seat?  She kept rambling on about how her sons told her that women who want to be “equal” need to suck it up and act like men.  Both I and the brace lady spoke up about how everyone needs to be respectful and give seats to people who need them and the make-up lady just kept going on.  I had to put my headphones on to keep from punching her.

That afternoon, I was able to get one the pregnant/disabled seats right away.  After the train got really packed, a woman with a cane who appeared very unsteady got on the train.  All of the disabled seats were taken and after noticing that no-one else had offered her a seat I got up and gave her my seat.  The woman with the cane was really thankful but was also concerned because I have a really large belly-but I said she should take the seat.  Then the woman sitting next to her insisted she give me her seat-even though she was also unsteady and had to hang on to her daughter.  Despite my protests, she wouldn’t sit back down, so I took the seat.  During this entire exchange, no-one else on the train offered a seat. I’d like to say that I said something, but I didn’t.  I just wasn’t up for a confrontation.  But wow is BART lowering my opinion of humanity.  And i’m just getting a teeny tiny glimpse into the difficult world that people with disabilities face.

Here is a picture of my growing bump:

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Diabeetus

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So I tested positive for gestational diabetes last week.  Although this comes as no big surprise given my PCOS insulin intolerance, i’m pretty bummed out.  Especially because its Christmas-aka eating carbs with reckless abandon (especially my aunt’s homemade raviolis).  Also, I got the diagnosis after making 3 batches of sugar cut-out cookies-my absolute favorite.  I had them in a big container in my freezer and quickly realized i have no self control.  I fluctuated from justifying that i could eat them until my nutritionist appointment the following week (because they didn’t “count” yet) and guilt that I’m hurting my my baby.  So I brought them to work.  Aren’t they beautiful though:

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The nutritionist was actually really nice and reassured me its not my fault.  She also said I do need to eat carbs and lots of snacks.  They also taught me how to test my bloodsugar because I have to do it four times a day.  Generally things have been going well but I’m struggling with my fasting blood sugar-the amount when you first wake up.  I’m supposed to eat something around 10-11 pm to avoid issues at wake-up but i’ve had varied results.  I’m talking to the nurse today so I’ll see if she has an idea of what to do.

In other news the baby is kicking away and i’m still nauseous/puking on and off.  But, I’m super excited for the holidays this year and will be going to Buffalo for 5 days.  I’m excited to see the snow and lie on the couch and have my family take care of me.  Yesterday, my dad said that they have a few inches so I hope it sticks around.  I’ll also see my extended family who have been shockingly supportive of my pregnancy.  They even chipped in and bought me the $300 stroller/car seat combo from my registry. I usually don’t look super forward to holidays with the family so it’s nice to be excited.

I had a funny conversation with my mom about my 12 year old nephew yesterday where she was insistent he still believes in santa claus so she wants to continue to play along. What almost 13 year old still believes in santa claus? But i did decide that i’m going to do santa claus for my kid.  I was a bit conflicted because I don’t want to lie to my kid and santa claus is a capitalist plot to sell more presents.  But, I have such awesome memories of putting cookies out and waking up on christmas morning.  Also, the world is so devoid of “magic” right now so it can’t hurt.